On Sunday morning I got up and looked at the face of a man I have loved for ten years. Time had passed but he hadn’t aged at all, man I “love this man” I thought to myself.
You see, we had been in a five year relationship five years prior to Sunday and things were everything that love is. It was passionate, crazy and dysfunctional …. but as crazy as it all was we were really in love then, and I felt like my heart did not miss a beat when it came to my feelings for him. I sat up and smiled because last night was everything it should have been, he knew my body so well. When I was 19 I tattooed his name on my … lets call it ‘box” and now I remembered why. I was crazy for him then and still crazy about him.
While he got dressed I watched him move and put on his clothes, he was sexy. He was dangerous because I had no boundaries with him. You see, I left him because of many things and one was I didn’t feel appreciated. I felt taken advantage of in a lot of ways but we were young and I have to admit I’d done things that were wrong too. But on Sunday, I was scared. Here I was back in the bed with the only man I have ever truly loved in my life. All I ever wanted was to marry him and have babies and enjoy life with my best friend but for some reason we missed a step and I was so scared that maybe that would happen again.
I hurt this man. I know I did, because I left him and the hardest thing to do is leave someone you love and who loves you. He was being cautious with his feelings, strategic making sure he was in control of himself and he was not making relationship decisions because I was “back” in his life. A big part of me thought, “why aren’t you making moves because I’m back?!” You see, I am very persistent when I want something and have a kind of in or out policy to life. He wanted to see how things went and take our time which is so fair, but in all honesty I just wanted to be with him. I didn’t care about the past, I wanted to start our future and I wanted to move forward because to be honest I have never been ‘in” love with anyone but him. As hard as it was I controlled my controlling and nagging rampages and didn’t ask “Why don’t you want to be with me and what does this mean?” Instead I choose to give him his time.
Because it was Sunday and I was going to church, I hurried and jumped in the shower and tried to wash away my delicious sin from the night before. I kissed the man I loved so much and headed to church. Now, I know you may all be thinking why didn’t he go? Well, again I was trying something new I didn’t want to pressure him so I made the decision to put it out there and if he wanted to he could join me. He did not, but that wasn’t going to stop me. I waved bye and headed to church.
When I got to church ..late of course. I slipped into a pew in the back. The pastor started preaching and of course it seemed like “he was talking to me” I got kind of emotional and tears started to fall from my eyes. I went to grab a tissue and a man grabbed my hand. He said, “Are you okay?” I said “yes” and sat down with the man I just met. In my moment of praise I had not realized how attractive he was, I was in the “spirit” I figured he was there with his wife or kids and continued listening to the sermon. The pastor said turn to “Corinthians something” I reached for a bible and the “man” said let’s share and put his arm around me and we read the scripture together.
Now, if you have ever been to a Black Church you know its full of up and down and praising and tell your neighbor. So the pastor said, “grab your neighbors hand and bow your head” I grabbed the man’s hand and every couple seconds he would squeeze my hand just to let me know he was there. We sat down and he said, “where is your man?” I said, ‘I don’t have one” and he replied, “well I’ll be your man today”. For the rest of the service he did not leave my side. He whispered to me, “you seem so strong but something is on your mind” so I informed him that I recently lost my job. He told me that he was sorry to hear that and gave me a side hug in the pew.
After service he walked me to my car and we exchanged information. He told me our meeting could just be fate and I replied “Or just Sunday.” He promised he’d call and I thanked him for being there for me in my time of weakness.
I drove away and laughed. “God is a woman,” I said to myself because no man is this clever.