Sunday Morning

On Sunday morning I got up and looked at the face of a man I have loved for ten years.  Time had passed but he hadn’t aged at all, man I “love this man” I thought to myself.

You see, we had been in a five year relationship five years prior to Sunday and things were everything that love is.  It was passionate, crazy and dysfunctional …. but as crazy as it all was we were really in love then, and I felt like my heart did not miss a beat when it came to my feelings for him.  I sat up and smiled because last night was everything it should have been, he knew my body so well.  When I was 19 I tattooed his name on my … lets call it ‘box” and now I remembered why.  I was crazy for him then and still crazy about him.

While he got dressed I watched him move and put on his clothes, he was sexy.  He was dangerous because I had no boundaries with him.  You see, I left him because of many things and one was I didn’t feel appreciated.  I felt taken advantage of in a lot of ways but we were young and I have to admit I’d done things that were wrong too.  But on Sunday, I was scared. Here I was back in the bed with the only man I have ever truly loved in my life.  All I ever wanted was to marry him and have babies and enjoy life with my best friend but for some reason we missed a step and I was so scared that maybe that would happen again. 

I hurt this man.  I know I did, because I left him and the hardest thing to do is leave someone you love and who loves you.  He was being cautious with his feelings, strategic making sure he was in control of himself and he was not making relationship decisions because I was “back” in his life.   A big part of me thought, “why aren’t you making moves because I’m back?!”  You see, I am very persistent when I want something and have a kind of in or out policy to life.  He wanted to see how things went and take our time which is so fair, but in all honesty I just wanted to be with him.  I didn’t care about the past, I wanted to start our future and I wanted to move forward because to be honest I have never been ‘in” love with anyone but him.  As hard as it was I controlled my controlling and nagging rampages and didn’t  ask “Why don’t you want to be with me and what does this mean?” Instead I choose to give him his time.  

 Because it was Sunday and I was going to church, I hurried and jumped in the shower and tried to wash away my delicious sin from the night before.  I kissed the man I loved so much and headed to church.  Now, I know you may all be thinking why didn’t he go?  Well, again I was trying something new I didn’t want to pressure him so I made the decision to put it out there and if he wanted to he could join me.  He did not, but that wasn’t going to stop me.  I waved bye and headed to church.

When I got to church ..late of course. I slipped into a pew in the back.  The pastor started preaching and of course it seemed like “he was talking to me”  I got kind of emotional and tears started to fall from my eyes. I went to grab a tissue and a man grabbed my hand.  He said, “Are you okay?”  I said “yes” and sat down with the man I just met. In my moment of praise I had not realized how attractive he was, I was in the “spirit” I figured he was there with his wife or kids and continued listening to the sermon.  The pastor said turn to “Corinthians something” I reached for a bible and the “man” said let’s share and put his arm around me and we read the scripture together. 

 Now, if you have ever been to a Black Church you know its full of up and down and praising and tell your neighbor. So the pastor said, “grab your neighbors hand and bow your head”  I grabbed the man’s hand and every couple seconds he would squeeze my hand just to let me know he was there.  We sat down and he said, “where is your man?”  I said, ‘I don’t have one”  and he replied, “well I’ll be your man today”. For the rest of the service he did not leave my side.  He whispered to me, “you seem so strong but something is on your mind” so I informed him that I recently lost my job.  He told me that he was sorry to hear that and gave me a side hug in the pew.

After service he walked me to my car and we exchanged information.  He told me our meeting could just be fate and I replied  “Or just Sunday.”  He promised he’d call and I thanked him for being there for me in my time of weakness.

I drove away and laughed. “God is a woman,”  I said to myself because no man is this clever.

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Women’s Intuition

I remember like it was yesterday.  I was in a two-year relationship that had infidelity on his part all over it.  There were times when I would call and he would send me to voice mail or even worst, just turn his phone off.  When I would ask him, “where the hell were you and what do you think this is?”

His answers were always the same, “I was at my friend’s house”,  or my favorite “my phone died.”  I would always look at him and know that he was lying, like the wheels that manufactured his lies,  would be turning and his lies would become more elaborate.

“Yeah, I’m like real stressed out and you always thinking I’m doing something is not helping!”  “Jade I told you, I’m only about you, I’m not cheating on you and I have never cheated on you”

This would often throw me into a self-inflicted craziness.  I would be on the phone with my best friend and we would go over clues like Inspector Gadget.  I often felt like I was playing my favorite board game Clue, “It was his lying ass, last weekend with the girl with the big lips!”

I was so crazy, I started to really think I was crazy. Was I being that insecure?  Had all the things I’d compiled over the years been figments of my imagination.  Was I in fact, living in the twilight zone?!

Hell no!

If women know anything we know our men.  There have been times when I wished I wasn’t so clever or I just wanted to leave him!  I could not because, I never had actual proof.  Now I know this sounds crazy, what more did I need?  I had all the signs, clues and still wanted to put my case on mystery diagnosis.

As the months went by, our relationship started to get better.  We were approaching our third year and I was ignorantly happy.  He stopped disappearing and was always home, we had reoccurring dates and he would ask if I was cool with him going out.

Yes, Finally!  My relationship was happy and all those crazy things that I thought were in my insecure head, like he said, “I just needed to trust my man and stop listening to what everyone else had to say.”

Ladies, you can stop listing to your girls, co-workers, therapist, pastor and your own mama!

You can’t stop listening to yourself, even when you drown out the female intuition with Facebook pictures of happiness and repetitive holiday rounds or family pictures.  You, know what the truth is.

Any how, like I said things were amazing and one night he went to bed early and I stayed up to watch my favorite show “The Real Housewives of New Jersey”.  Since he was under the impression that he had convinced me that I was in fact crazy, he was very comfortable.  His cell phone was no loner stapled to his chest and his email was left open on my computer.

In between commercials, I kept staring at the computer.  Damn, “should I check his email?” Aren’t we beyond this?  What is the point of me doing this, we are happy, right?!

Wrong, my happiness was based on me settling to believe that I, was in fact, overreacting or crazy. Or that I was insecure or jealous. None of this is true!  I’m fabulous and my reasons for feeling like I had been treated wrong were warranted by his actions.

My show went off , and I jumped on that computer so fast my hand were shaking.  I didn’t know what I was looking for so I thought about what plagued me the most throughout our relationship and it popped right in my head his exes.

So I did it, I searched for her name and as the computer started searching I knew what the outcome would be.

There it was.  The facts, it was everything I already knew.

The first email went like this, “I miss you so much and I have gotten used to you sleeping in my bed”

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, oh my God.  I didn’t know what to do or to say, I was in shock, the more I read the worst it got and it wasn’t just her there were several women he had inappropriate conversations and relationships with while we were together. He even belonged to a site named “Interracial Daters”, I almost fainted.  It was a bunch of brothers meeting up with others!  (when I say others, I mean non-black women, which is totally a personal choice, I could care less but I’m Black! That’s like a white woman, finding out her man belongs to a site created for White men looking for “Sultry Sistahs)

I just sat there feeling relieved and stupid. I knew that he cheated without the facts (my female intuition), and had many nights of crying and hour-long conversations with my friends. I’d dealt with this emotionally and I was tired.

He was in the other room, sound asleep.  I walked into the room, and just started hitting him in his sleep. I was screaming, “You fucking liar, you liar get out my house!”

He was in shock and looked frightened and said,  “Jade, what is wrong with you?”  “Are you crazy?!”  I said, “You would like me to be” and I started reading the emails.  As chocolate as this man was he turned bright red, he was caught red-handed.  He was a liar, and there was no amount of manipulation that could change that.

I didn’t want to hear about his relationship with his mom or his lack of emotional progression.  I wanted him to leave,  I was crying but it wasn’t out of hurt it was from anger.  I had wasted so much time, trying to untangle his web of deceit.  I had already been hurt for years, my emotions were like stone I was in full protect “Jade” mode.

Our relationship lasted for 4 weeks after that.  He had convinced me that if I looked at the dates, everything happened over a year ago before he “fell in love” but I could not.   Every time  he said something, I went crazy.  He would say, “You know I love you” and I would say “You told me that a year ago”  Of I would say, “how’s that interracial dating going?”

I was so mean!  I never knew I could be so mean, I didn’t care what he did I was OVER IT!

See every woman has their breaking point, and cheating is mine.  I can not bear the thought of me “trying” to make a relationship work while my partner is not.  In relationships we deal with emotional, economic and family stress, so in my mind to add to that is so disrespectful.

I had to let him go, it wasn’t fair to him or to me to stay in that relationship because I would never love him the same.

If I learned anything from this experience it was, he wasn’t the only liar.  I had lied to my self for too many years, and finally listened to someone who loves me unconditionally, me!

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Buy Polar

This weekend I went to dinner with a guy “friend” who came to visit me from Chicago.
We had lots of things planned, and decided to do the Bourgeoisie circuit in Harlem.  Now, if anyone is
under 40, has a job and is single you know what lounges and restaurants I am referring to.
  
I met up with my bestie and her man, and we sat down for dinner.  The food was wack!
I mean, it was so horrible we decided to go to another spot to eat and get full. 
 
When the bill came to the table, I felt conflicted it was $200!  We split that, meaning he paid
for ours which was $100 and my bestie and her man did whatever they did. They have been together for 3
years so money matters have been figured out.
 
When we left, I decided to pay at the Mexican spot.  The bill came to $30 and that was that, but all this got me  thinking
about who should pay for what and what are the rules, if any?
 
I usually let the man who asked me out to pay for dinner twice and then on the third date I pick up the bill.
These are just guidelines I’ve set for myself, because I do not feel I should pay if I have been asked out on a date.
However, if we go to an expensive restaurant I will offer to pay the tip. 
 
I remember once being asked out by a guy and when it came to discussing date plans he said, “So I was thinking we could do dinner and a movie. I’ll pay for the movie and you pay for dinner.”
 
I never called him back.  In fact, he may still be waiting at the movies right now.
 
While all these feelings festered inside I decided to ask this very handsome man I was with, how he felt about it.  I said, “Do you think a woman should offer to pay part of the bill on a date?”
In my mind I was saying, “Please say no, please say no.”
 
He said, “If she offers, then cool but at least give me the opportunity to say no I got it!” 
 
I started to think about my first dates over the years. On a first date I never pull out the Amex.  My date should know that it is his responsibility.  He asked me out, and it is only right, right ?!
 
We went back and forth for a half hour, about the rules of engagement when a bill arrives. 
 
Then he said, “why are you making it like that?” I didn’t know what he meant so I said, “like what?”
 
He said, “Like third date I pay, and I may offer to pay the tip if the restaurant is expensive. Its like you have rules!”
 
I never thought about it this way and had to pause for a rebuttal because he was right.  There are rules around money when you first start to date someone. The way you move can determine a man’s thought process. 
 
For instance, I don’t let a man take me shopping when I first meet him, because its weird.  Why are you taking me shopping, and why are you trying to pay my rent?
 
Its like a vaginal rain check for men who then believe that because they bought you this or that, in turn they are automatically “getting some.” 
 
Some women will say, “Jade you’re stupid, I’ll take it (gifts) I didn’t promise him anything.”  Well maybe not verbally, but now you have entered into a dangerous zone. 
You become labeled as the “gold digger”, and he spends more money until you give him some honey.  That’s not cool because this is not a genuine relationship.
 
Some men need to pay for everything to feel good about themselves, which is crazy too!  I dated a guy who refused to put money in my hand and it was such a turn off.
He wanted everyone to see him pay for things.  Which was an ego booster for him, and it was a control issue for me. 
 
I remember once while at a restaurant pulling out my AMEX and saying, “I’ll buy our food and the people’s food next to us” just to show him that I didn’t need his money.
 
So fast forward back to this handsome man and this conversation.  I said, “when you like someone you shouldn’t have to worry about what you spend and how because that person has
your back.  If you get it today, then I’ll get it tomorrow and that’s how it should be.” 
 
He smiled because at this point he knew I was frustrated!  “Are you mad?” he asked.  I replied, “No, I just think I should be treated like a lady!”
 
I had to work the day he headed back to Chicago, so he was at my place for the majority of the day.  After I dropped him off to the airport that evening, I noticed he put all my groceries away, bought toilet paper, put the dishes in the dishwasher and made some peanut butter cookies”
 
Priceless:)
 
 
 
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Friend Fatale

While chatting with one of my oldest girlfriends about random things, I realized something my girl of 13 years was a hater!

Now she did not win this title overnight, it took years in the making.

It literally started with little comments like. “wow that’s who you are dating?” and “How can you afford to do that?”

For years I simply let comments slide, until one day I had to say something.

She asked me a series of questions such as, “Why are you dating him?” “Are you feeling desperate because your cousins are married?” and “Why are living in such an expensive apartment?”

What???

I was starting to lose it!  In my mind, I was running towards her like a football player ……. ready to tackle.

I calmed myself down and said, “Why are you always so concerned about the things that I am doing wrong?  There is no constructive criticism, just bitching!  Bitching about why my rent is so high?”

Her eyes widened and she said, “I’m just letting you know that this is not going to work and you are setting yourself up for disappointment! Like be more responsible!”

Anyone that knows me would have ducked for cover at this point, I was so mad that I was sweating under my arms.  I could not figure out why this girl was going off on me?  She was mad, she was screaming and I was defending my life, again?

As I piled on the emotional Vaseline, to go toe-to -toe  verbally with “friend” I realized something.

This “friend” has been hating on me for years.  In that one hour she mentioned every mistake I’d made since we met.  It was like she had a note book that said, “Jade’s Epic Fails”. Whether it was a relationship gone south, a relocation, or a business venture when the chips were down she was there to do the cha cha slide all over my Lays.

I remembered that when I was in bad relationships, she rarely discussed anything, but the smallest hint of a decent man in my life threw her into whirl winds!

“You’re moving to fast!” or “You know he’s just trying to buy your love.” All said, while being a “friend”

I thought about all of this as she was blasting me in her car and I decided to just tell her.  I was tired of all of this and I could not hold my alter bad ass she-go back anymore!”

“You’re a hater!!!!”

She started laughing and I must admit, I was scared.  I wondered if she was she going to lose it. I had emotional Vaseline but no real Vaseline to apply and I had just got my hair done. Damn alter she-go!! She never thinks things through.

She said, “Why would I hate on you?  You are broke, single and you think you are fabulous”

Then it hit me, it…… not her.

The problem was not me, the problem was her.

I will tell anyone that my life is crazy.  I weigh more then my credit score and my idea of budgeting is change in a jar (working on this) .  I love hard and will walk into that wall until someone opens a door for me and I make no apologies for it!

This is who I am, with all my flaws and it killed her that despite my cellulite, bills  and failed relationships.  I love life and I love me.

I told her, “I am broke and I sure as hell am single but you forgot to mention so damn happy!”

My friend was unhappy, she was so unhappy about her situation that I often got phone calls of her crying so intensely I wanted to go check on her.  Now her problems were not financial but she felt the need to constantly throw my fails in my face to make herself  feel better.

This is not a friend.  My friends are there to be real with me but they always have my best interests at heart.  I have never heard “I told you so” from my real friends, and during a heartbreak they are always there with some wine and a dvd.  My friends are loving, protective of my feelings, and honest.

This girl was no longer a friend.

After all of the yelling and screaming I think we both knew that 13 years was stopping there and I got out of the car.

She said, “I have nothing to hate on you about Jade, like how can you be happy with everything that’s going on?”

I said, “Just like this!” Then I smiled and walked away.

There was no need for me to comment on all of her wrongs at that moment.  I did not need to mention her relationship fails or anything negative in her life.  I am way too busy trying to get right to tally up someone elses wrongs.

Whether she actually hates me, hates on me or not.  We were friends and certain things should not be said or repeated its mean.  I felt hurt about the situation but realized that I’d lost her as a friend a long time ago.

I said “hey” to my doorman, put my change in the jar, ignored the call from sallie mae and put on “Whose wedding is it anyway?”

This is me, and my real friends love me flaws and all:)

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A Casual Conversation “Why You Can’t Handle Casual Sex”

While driving home I had to stop and catch my breath. It was happening that stomach turning, lump in your throat sensation you feel when you are about to cry! I tried everything to stop the tears from falling yawning, opening my eyes really wide and even rolling my windows down but nothing worked.  It was happening I was crying!  I was the only person in the car, but I was embarrassed I was crying because my “casual” sex had just caught up with my couture ass.
Contrary to popular belief, women can not have casual sex (this is with the exception of college hook-ups, take a minute think about and shake it off) after 21 it’s an oxymoron.
Well I thought I was beyond the hype and attempted to have “casual” sex  with him.
I knew I would play myself , I had not seen him since college and I always liked him.  I would say I had a crush but it was more than that; I really like him. After years of not seeing each other, we saw each other at an event.  He said my name and I looked over, “damn” he looked exactly the same.  I said “hello” and jokingly asked if he was married with kids. He said, “no” and I said “me either” and that was that.  We exchanged numbers at the end of the night, and went our separate ways.
We started “communicating” and we all know what that means. Sporadic calls, text messages, smoke signals and whatever else people do today.  I had  a real feel good feeling about him.  It had been almost 6 months since I pledged my celibacy and decided he was going to get it!  He was familiar to me, safe and casual. We were cool as hell!  Why wouldn’t sex with a friend be super convenient and fun right?
I never told him that I wanted him but I didn’t think I needed to.  Things, were so right it was something I had to sit down and think about.  Like “what the hell was that?”  I told my best friend “Girl it was like a Negro Spiritual, and we decided no it can’t be that good. I had just been through a drought so average might seem amazing.  Nope, the second time was just as good and thenI knew I was in trouble.
It was happening I was really starting to feel this man. Of course I was feeling him in secret. I was telling my girls, “it’s just sex I’m fine, we are cool as hell.” Nope.  I couldn’t fight it and it was pissing me off.  Why can’t I do this?  Why can’t I just relax have sex and give him a high-five after-wards?
Then like a light bulb, I had my eureka moment!  Casual sucks!  Casual is everywhere, there’s nothing special about it.  Its like a pair of khaki pants, readily available and average. Now anyone that knows me, knows that I am neither of these things.  I am a vintage, black, boat neck, Chanel dress unique and hard to come by.
So why was I putting myself in casual’s corner?
Instead of asking myself and my my girls these silly questions, I just asked him.  “Hey, like you know I am feeling you”  He looked like I had just said I was an alien.  When I think about it now, its funny because men process things completely different from us.  I am feeling you to a woman can have a thousand meanings, to him, it meant love lock down.   He said with a smile, “I have a lot on my mind right now. I’m focusing on me, you’re an alien” (just kidding).
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah I felt like such a loser.  Why did I say anything?! If I have given my readers anything it’s a glimpse inside male logic.  I knew he didn’t want anything more, men are simple and if he did I would know it.  I felt like someone had punched me in my stomach, my feelings were hurt. I can’t remember the last time I “let” my feelings get hurt so this was just too much.  He asked me “are you okay?”  I wanted to say, “No, i’m  embarrassed, my feelings are hurt, my she-go is being stomped on”. But I didn’t I simply stated, “I’m cool”.
He gave me a hug and waved by.  It was so casual I thought I was going to get a pound and a special hand shake.  I drove off and put Beyonce’s BDAY album to play, then I pulled over and started crying.
I felt like, he picked me up on the sale rack (my fault) and didn’t look at the label because I was hanging next to something that looked really similar but didn’t have the same quality.  I felt like my tag said, dry clean only “delicate” and I had been washed and dried with like colors.
Now, this is in no way, shape or form his  fault. Instead its my own for putting myself on that rack.  How would he know that my tag said 100% silk and hers said synthetic materials if we were in the same store, on same rack in the casual section? Men are simple and know what they want and don’t want.
If you don’t want to be labeled as casual, take your couture ass out of Marshalls and go to Neiman’s.  Men who shop here are looking for quality, they know they have to work harder for it and take good care of it.
Now we all find a good piece of clothing at Marshalls now and then, but who the hell wants to look through all those clothes?
Not you, me or him.
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The Games We Play

When it comes to the opposite sex, I think we as women play just as many games as men. Now I know that you all may kill me for dispelling our secrets, but I have to call US out on this.

Yes, I said us, because I have also been guilty of this in the past.

Think about it, have you ever had a conversation with a man you were “dealing” with and slipped another man’s name in to get his reaction?  Have you ever spoken with your ex and told him about someone you were seeing?  What about this one: making your bbm, twitter or facebook status indirectly, but directly for him?

I thought about this when a friend of mine, came to me with a problem.

She said, “I really like this guy but I can’t figure him out?”  I must have made a face because she said, “what, I mean I don’t have time to play games.”  At first read she seems correct, right?

Wrong!  She has all the time to play games.   Why would any woman, take time and try to figure out what a man thinks about her when she could simply ask?

Then it hit me, this is the game that we as women play.  If you ask a man what he thinks about you,  he might really tell you.  That’s great right?!  Wrong, because what if he tells you what you don’t want to hear?

If you don’t ask a direct question, you can keep your idea of what he thinks about you.

Follow me on this, even though a man  says he is not looking for a relationship, he must really want to start something with you,  because you spend so much time together. So instead of just saying, “Hey I noticed we have been spending a lot of time together and you mentioned that you weren’t looking for a relationship, have things changed?” We, call our girlfriends and have a conversation that follows as such:

Girl: “Girl, he has been over here every night”

Girlfriend: “That sounds serious, no man will spend all his time with you if he is not into you”

Girl:”I know right?”

Wrong again!  He never said he wasn’t into you. He said he wasn’t looking for a serious relationship!   Now when he doesn’t call or text one night he then becomes the game player.

You are just as guilty of playing games, because you agreed to the rules and tried to change them.

Now I can only write this because of my experiences with “games.” When you “try” to game your way into someone’s mind and heart, you lose.   You lose because you get hurt and you waste time.

All the time you spent trying to figure out why he did this, what did he mean by that and what you should’ve said is exhausting; when you can ask the man, get the rules and decide if you are in or out.

The time you are wasting trying to pass “go” with someone who is not ready to play, can be valuable time you spend with someone who is willing to say UNO and get out of the game to play real life with you.

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Con-Text

What are the rules of engagement when starting communication with someone? With one million ways to contact each other its easy to get caught up in tweets, sms text, bbm’s, poking and all the other forms of social media that don’t really require getting personal.

Ladies, if you meet a man and you haven’t talked to him, but you text all the time that does not equate to him being interested in you romantically.  It can mean he is bored or just feeding into flattery …….

How r u?
Cool….
how r u?
chillin
the weather is crazy right?
yeah
wuzz up with u later on
aaaah nuttin
chillin’
maybe go out with my boyz
soundz fun
lmao I dnt knw abt all that
:)
well let me knw  if  things change
NP
lata
aiight bye

 

What the hell is this?  It’s a Con-Text, this text makes you feel like the guy could be into you because he responded and let you know his plans.  

Not true!

We let everyone know our plans all day. We tweet things like, “at the dentist.” We even post pictures of our most intimate moments in life with captions that say things like, ” the day he asked me.”

How many friends do you have on Facebook and twitter?  Probably a million, you don’t know half of these people. You never call them and you wont invite them to your wedding, but you share the most intimate details of your life with them.  This is what our generation does…. See its a CON! 

I get it, we are all busy and texting can take the place of a quick phone call. However, it should not take the place of phone calls. 

Ladies, if he’s into you he will want to hear your voice.  Don’t let these sweet nothings or even worse random ass text, con your mind into believing that he’s N 2 U, BCUZ  if he is, he will Call.

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